I was overwhelmed, fearful, anxious, and imperfect as I walked out of the hospital doors. My world had just come to a screeching halt. Everything I had once feared had come true in an instant, as if I had created this heartbreaking story with my own fears. I was 23 years old and had officially been diagnosed with an incurable, life threatening heart condition that had drastically altered my mom’s life, and caused my uncle’s death.

After only 3 weeks of testing the doctors found what they were looking for, a heart condition called arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy (ARVC). The doctor’s diagnosis was echoing in my head as time seemed to suspend. We were each having a conversation with ourselves. She tried to explain what was happening and what the next steps were. I was lost in my own mind, tears streaming down my face with the sound of my heartbeat drowning out the doctor’s orders.

I could feel every single heartbeat pulsing throughout my body, magnified by the severity of the moment, not knowing which one could possibly be the last. My heartbeat, as chaotically rhythmed as it was, seemed to be the only thing with clarity.

The one word I did make out in the conversation was surgery.

My emotions were spread along a wide spectrum. I was mad at the world, cursing my fate, and confused how unfair life had turned out to be, asking myself, “How is my life going to change?”

On December 19, 2012 I had surgery for a defibrillator and within the first 3 months my defibrillator saved my life 3 times, each time stopping me from heart failure. What I didn’t realize before was this adversity not only saved my life, it added unmeasurable value to it.

Before, I was looking for happiness in the wrong places. I was always swept up in the comparison game, grading myself with an unreasonable scale. I would like to say I held myself to extremely high standards for the right reasons, but if I’m being totally honest my perfectionism was driven by the tremendous fear of not being enough. I was trying to be everything to everyone, living up to what I thought the world needed from me or what others expected. I was covering up any weaknesses, and was only leading myself to more insecurity, more doubt, more self-destruction.

Because of this I spent each and every day picking out my flaws, stressing about the ideal image of life, and walking down a road riddled with anxiety. I was fighting against any criticism that could possibly be thrown my way, and when I couldn’t measure up I would get intensely defensive, recruiting my ego and trying to deflect every challenge pointed in my direction. I was judging myself, being my own worst enemy, and sabotaging my potential to make a positive impact on the world around me.

Almost symbolically, my scar and defibrillator acted as glaring imperfections. My heart surgery and each of those lifesaving moments were the events in my life that woke me up, reminded me that my time on earth is limited, and screamed at me, “Do something meaningful!”

God had changed my heart and since then I’ve learned to use my adversity for a greater purpose, realizing fear and doubt have to be present for faith and hope to grow, and that my imperfection makes me the perfect person for my purpose.

I realized my diagnosis, although still incurable wasn’t a death sentence. I was instantly driven to discover more meaning in life, one that included a strong sense of vulnerability, gratitude, whimsy, and adventure. And with that, take action!

I began making impactful choices to build the life of my dreams, no longer striving for perfection or stuck in the comparison game. I was now working hard to serve myself and others for the right reasons―with nothing to prove, only focused on improvement. I had clearly defined what I wanted my life to look like and recalibrated the scale I was measuring myself with. I stopped chasing ideals and started wandering towards my dreams while exploring the corners of true happiness with my body, mind, and soul. 

My adversity has taught me how to fully enjoy life, no longer overwhelmed by the idea of being perfect. I understand that my health condition happened on purpose for my purpose. I’m proud of my scars, literally and figuratively, wearing my defibrillator as a badge of honor. Now proudly symbolizing imperfection.

I’ve learned that God is calling us to do more, that our potential is greater than we realize, and the opportunity we have to positively impact others is limitless. With a clearly defined purpose we can change the world, especially when we realize that we are the vehicle to do so.

My unique struggle has made me the person I am today. I wouldn’t do it over again, but I wouldn’t change anything for the world. My past has created my present moment.

My heartbeat story is just beginning, and my adventure awaits.